quietly

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 11:17:55 GMT

i am in love with the manics song donkeys.
it is beautiful.

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 12:27:18 GMT

i've been so stressed and anxious about college recently. i handed in my horror-film-synopsis and i got good feedback from my lecturer, but that was only after three days of panic attacks and scratching at my skin and calling david at 2am and saying thats its! i'm never going back to college again!
i'm not happy with the idea, but when am i ever? i'm going to try and work on something else, i think.

.

but, on the upside -- london baby! me and david have booked a trip to london in november for a weekend and i'm very excited and today we bought a guide book and i'm going to spend the afternoon making lists and planning everything we can do & see. this will be my first independant holiday - a holiday without my parents, a holiday in which we've organised and paid for everything ourselves. so. *bounces*

i'm also going to rhodes for a week in october, with my parents this time. two weeks tommorow, i think. rhodes is teeming with history and ruins and mythology.

.

i went to weightwatchers last night - i lost a pound and a half, with makes it sixteen and a half in total :D
i'm incredibly pleased with the result last night because i had (or thought i had) a terrible week. on saturday night i was crying and tense and stressed about stupid college work so i snuck into the kitchen and binged. eeep. and then i was going to give up and not go back to weightwatchers but then i did, and i'm pleased i did, and today i feel motivated again :)

Sat, 18 Sep 2004 21:24:05 GMT

for my writing class, i have to come up with an idea for a horror film, a horror film that i have to make a trailer for at a later date. so, the idea must be do-able on a student budget - i.e. no expensive CGI or anything.
but all my ideas are bad and stupid and i've been reading through folklore books and unsolved-mystery websites to spark ideas but everything that interests me i don't know how to translate and i'm a frustrated, uninspired mess.

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 11:08:30 GMT

i took the day off college, because when i woke up i couldn't stop sneezing and my head was pounding and my cosywarm bed seemed like such a better option.
but now i feel guilty because i'm a bit better now. & slightly panicked in case i've missed something important.

.

i really need to do some work now, but i'm tired and snuffly and lacking any semblance of motivation.
research about media ownership in the uk / a presentation on an ad campaign (the vile lux shower-gel advert with sarah-jessica-parker-whats-her-name) / a short-essay about production phases. bah.

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 22:04:18 GMT

good things.

x. my big brother steven and his girlfriend took me out for a belated-birthday-dinner tonight & the food was delicious.
x. steven saying that i look like a typical-vegetarian-eco-warrier-sort with my piercings and doc martens and dyed hair which made me grin madly :D
x. sprawling in their living room after dinner, listening to jazz music, our bellies full&sated.
x. "light must travel really, really fast!"
"faster than jesse owen at the 1936 olympics?!"
x. it's raining so hard outside; bruising the ground.

i adore steven and sheila. i love the conversations i have with them. i love how sheila named her goldfish valerie, i love how the buddha statue in their living room actually means something to them, rather than just being there to look nice.

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 15:35:00 GMT

i'm so incredibly obsessive and perfectionist about college work; i sat up until 2am last night freaking out about a minor exercise that no-one else will even bat an eyelid over.
i suppose it's good in a way - this desire to understand and comprehend and know everything, this desire for eloquence and lucidity because it means top marks and merits and my lecturers smiling affectionately at me.
but it also means that i'm a stressed and neurotic bag of nerves 99.5% of the time.

.

i saw the terminal on friday, which might just be one of the worst films i've ever seen. the premise is actually quite interesting, but the film is really disappointing. two hours of embarrasing and overt sentimentality, one-dimensional characters i couldn't give a damn about and boredom. erg.

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 15:36:18 GMT

mister david & i went to glasgow yesterday for my birthday. we saw the motorcycle diaries which is seriously brilliant and makes me want to travel even more, and we had a pub-lunch and david gave me my birthday presents (requiem for a dream on dvd, a pentagram armband thing and a delicious home-made faerie card) even though it's not my birthday until tommorow. but shh.
we stood in the rain and watched the street performers & we lurked in a bookshop for a while that played bob dylan and smelled of coffee and i kept picking up books and saying oh, i want to read this! & on the train home i listened to jack off jill and oh, a wonderful day.

.

& this morning, i got a surprise package in the post from lieutenanth ! (thank you ever so much! *squeeee*)
he sent me a gorgeous hippy bag & incense & a candle holder & a card with a message inside that made me giggle. (thank you!)
i am such a lucky girl.

:D

timetable

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 16:22:08 GMT

monday

11-1 - video production
2-4 - film genres

tuesday

9-11 - writing for the media

wednesday

9-11 - advertising

thursday

9-10 - press and broadcasting in the uk
11-3 - radio production

friday

off!

the course seems really interesting. i'm looking forward to getting stuck in, just burying myself in work.

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 16:36:55 GMT

i got my second lip-piercing today! my mum paid for it as a birthday present - my birthday isn't until 5th september but i am impatient, yes.

i absolutely adore it.

week #1

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 19:42:06 GMT

i had my first weightwatchers weigh-in tonight -- i lost 5 1/2 lb.
so :D

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 03:31:17 GMT

4am & sipping water & music on repeatrepeatrepeat:

scarling - the bandaid covers the bullet hole
jack off jill - strawberry gashes
blonde redhead - elephant woman

&
i have a cold. and lying on david's bed yesterday, looking up through the skylight, i said that i needed to go somewhere, go everywhere and take pictures of it all; spend hours on the metro just to look at the people and to go out for breakfast because going out for breakfast is a novel and foreign idea where i come from.

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 13:18:11 GMT

i watched magnolia last night, after lots&lots of people telling me how spectacular it is. i didn't like it at all :|

the prologue promised something mind-blowing, it promised an extraordinary twist at the end, but nothing ever-really happened. there was no explosion of coincidence and chance like the prologue hinted at and i felt sort of cheated after the *long* build-up.
i didn't feel emotionally attached to any of the characters and i was bored for much of the film - i kept checking the clock.
i wondered if daniel had maybe given me the wrong dvd - *this* can't be the film that everyone praises to the high heavens?

i feel sort of dense and ignorant for not liking it, especially when i read message boards and people are lauding it as resonant and profound and emotionally stirring. i wonder if i missed the point. but, yes. i thought it was a bad film.

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 15:06:47 GMT

i am sitting here with snarlball dripping wet hair and my dad's t-shirt on, which is the comfiest t-shirt in the whole wide world.

i went swimming today and i remember now how much i love the water. i am a merwitch, i think.
i enjoyed it a lot; swimming is incredibly relaxing. walking into the pool with my swimsuit on was quite difficult, and i spent about ten minutes at the end trying to work up the courage to get back out again (there was an especially cute lifeguard with longish, foppy hair and a cute smile) but i did it and i'm pleased with myself.
i'm going to go once a week to start out with, i think, and then maybe build it up.

.

i got a package in the post from daniel today; in a brown envelope with boys handwriting. he sent me magnolia and happiness on dvd, and a mixcd with obscure, dark, dreamy bands i've never heard of. i'm going to switch out all the lights tonight, and lay in bed and close my eyes and

sink

deep into the music.

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 21:17:30 GMT

requiem for a dream is a stunning, superb film. oh. the climatic ending and the haunting music and ellen burstyn as sara goldfarb, oh.
it's superb. so powerful. it's one of the best films i've seen in a long, long time.

& now i feel inspired again to go and work on my screenplay which, at the moment, is just scribbles and half-formed ideas in my notebook.

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 03:15:29 GMT

because it's 4.30am and i'm silly and a dork --

thats right. it's my cat beeps wearing a MONACLE!!!!! :D
she's on a mission to defeat Dastard Dog The B******

:O

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 22:25:22 GMT

i have decided that for my first tattoo, i'm going to get the little prince, maybe on my ankle or on the top of my back.

so. second-lip-piercing next then a tattoo!

body modification is helping me to feel more comfortable with myself. i look in the mirror and i like the way my piercing looks, and it makes me feel better about myself. and i know i shouldn't need metal & ink to feel good...it should come from within etc etc etc...but it's not always that simple.
so yes :D

and anyone who wants to comment and say "but are you sure you'll be happy with your tattoo when you're 60?" -- all i can say is, go and read the little prince :)

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 23:07:46 GMT

from lieutenanth

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
29. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 02:27:33 GMT

punch-drunk love is a very, very good film. adam sandler is wonderful in it; i really felt emotionally attached to his character. a strange and happy and sad and funny film. i read a review in which it was called a "dramedy" - that seems fitting. a film with a lot of weight and meaning, but it also has a wonderful bittersweet black humour.
adam sandler should do more films like this -- instead of comedy fluff like "50 first dates" and the likes.

i liked it a lot.

Sat, 07 Aug 2004 19:33:55 GMT

i just saw lost in translation. it is a good film, although not like run lola run or y tu mama tambien or amelie, where after you watch them, you just sort of go quiet for a while.
i loved scarlett johannson, i loved her character because her character was me, except maybe a more beautiful and more sophisticated and more confident version of me.
i liked when they were laying on top of the bed, charlotte and bob, and she said she tried to write, but she didn't like anything she wrote. and she tried to take pictures, but they turned out so mediocre.

.

i have punch-drunk love to watch next. i want to immerse myself in films and music and not have to think about the noise in my head.

a statement about something

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 18:59:02 GMT

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 18:51:29 GMT

i went with my parents to dunure this afternoon, a little coastal fishing village. they sat out in the beer garden and i wandered off to the harbour and the shingles and i rolled up my jeans and i said the lovesong of alfred j prufrock over and over again, silently, in my head -- i grow old, i grow old, i shall wear the bottom of my trousers rolled.

i dipped my toes and feet in the rock-pools and the sun warmed my face and i watched a jellyfish, blooming and undulating.

i sat with my feet dangling over the edge and thought about jumping in and letting the water swallow me up whole.

a start ?

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 01:04:03 GMT

It all started when my father caught me in bed with another boy.

He was twenty-three and razor-thin and beautiful and from the way he laughed and tossed his head and stood slouched at the bar, you knew he knew it.
He wore thick black eyeliner and a red pout and everyone stared because this was a small-town bar with The Eagles on the jukebox and with men that drank beer and called it "suds".
Our town had grew up around a logging company and everybody's fathers and uncles and brothers worked for them.

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 22:21:09 GMT

i smell like sunscreen and smoke from the barbeque.
i feel tangled-up and tired
but inspired, now
too.

i'm meeting david tommorow to talk about short-film-ideas; we're determined to try and attempt something over the coming college year.

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 09:58:58 GMT

i lived on coffee and painkillers and cigarettes and at night i admired myself in the mirror, cougar-thin. the woman across the hall would cook meat and onions and the smell would snake in through the space beneath the door and it suffocated me and i had to heave over the sink, except nothing ever came up.

i heard her singing - the woman. lilting songs in italian and sometimes i listened hard and picked out words and looked them up in my dictionary, my italian-to-english-english-to-italian dictionary that robert had given me.
i heard malvagità over and over again. malvagità = wickedness, evil.

robert said she had been an opera singer once, in another time and place, before all of this.

.

it's not terribly good and i'm not happy with it, i'm never-happy. but, i have written, for the first time in i-don't-know-how-long.

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 15:23:12 GMT

i went for a walk yesterday morning, early, at 4am. the air was so fresh and clean and i inhaled and felt it fill me and everything was so quiet and the smallest sounds were magnified, like the sound of my feet on the pavement. sounds you don't notice or pay attention to during the day.

i kept seeing so many photo-opportunities, like a child's bike lying abandoned on the pavement and it spoke volumes but i forgot my camera and i don't think i could have done it justice anyway.